Let's bring all the statues down
Drive the racists from my town
Topple symbols, watch them drown
Rid his bronze from my ground

I smashed the cast of Colston first
He was wrong by right of birth
Privileged white not black nor serf
Broken history feeds my mirth

Let's look next for white male pests
Nelson's column, Wellington's chest
Churchill, Kipling and the rest
To fuck them up I do my best

Slave owners, colonialists, hear my voice
Your dead now and I rejoice
Racist attitudes were your choice
Now in the air your legs we hoist

Mob mentality is our own insanity
Think its wrong and cry profanity
The problem's yours and it's called vanity
I don't like your kind humanity

We haven't even started properly
Did I name this public property?
Do I like this art atrocity?
Don't you love my inequality?

Who gets the job to name the streets
On which I stamp my feted feet?
You want to talk, you want to meet?
Dialogue over, now delete.

I had my moment of adulation
Hit the news of the nation
My greatest ever claim to fame
But no street bears my name

The world has changed since this was done
Looking back on all the fun
The differences of opinion
Royally absent in my minion

No more statues, they all went
Along with nuance and dissent
I sung along all summer spent
wondering what the lyrics meant

Let's find one who's done no wrong
Who's got the right to sing this song
one bronze alone to rid them all
and be installed in each town hall

They self-declared and that was it
Cried Palmyra when its throat was slit
History cancelled, I played my bit
And the chance to learn from it

Yeah, I toppled brass and made it drown
And you still want to track me down?
my address: Block 13b, 21 town
zone 7, segment brown.

Cofeve I said because I'm so prescient
You thought I was just your rich president?

Prescient, trust me, I know what it means
Believe me; swat teams making memes.

Melania had to look it up
While I watched two girls one cup.

I knew what it meant all along
Opposing views: always wrong.

A world in crisis, I'll find a meaning
Yours truly goes with his gut feeling.

COrona Fucking Everywhere Very Everything
I don't care that it's not even an acronym.

I can do better, I'm the president
Why did I fire the poet in residence?

Cofeve must mean something now,
A sign that shows the world just how

That thinking feeling in my gut
Is more than just McThrowing Up;

COrona For Everyone Very Everywhere.
It barely matters what I say,

Stop the press briefings every day,
Just tell them that I tweet and pray.

Cofeve must be a touch of genius;
Girl wash your hands before you touch my penis.

Cofeve definitely very profound
And if I doubled my inauguration crowd,

It's only because I got it made
and never pay for getting laid.

Coming to me, I feel it now,
The mercurial president who knows how

To tell the truth when they least expect.
Cofeve's my greatest brilliance yet.

China Origin Fever Expedite Ventilators Everywhere.
It could have been what I once said.

The Donald rebrands to tell the truth:
Colossal Overdrafts For Every Vulturine Enterprise.
AKA Bailouts to Buddies All Under One Roof.

We'd only just gone to the moon. And to most people, this looks like what we used to go there. And almost as fast.

Just one murder from utopia
He slides the blade of cornucopia
Rivers of blood and feed the rich
Trickle down has just one hitch

It doesn't work
And Souza's dead
Just one murder from utopia

Feed the poor with cake not bread
And think that's what she really said
Remove the nuance, redact on sight
Embrace tyranny and live the night

It doesn't work
And Bravo's dead
One more murder from utopia

Pulled the trigger, watched him die
Had it coming, treacherous spy
I can’t think if it was right
They pay me now I fight the fight

It doesn't work
And Sharma's dead
One more murder for utopia

Not to speak word of this
Silence freelance journalists
Mustn’t let them read your news
Infected with your foreign views

It doesn't work
And Khashoggi's dead
Just one murder for utopia

Love and sympathy for the poor
Unless they’re knocking at your door
And socialism’s truly great
If they’re rich enough to hate

It doesn't work
Denora's dead
One last murder, there’ll be utopia

Enough to eat on your plate
As long as you support the state
It’s a bargain that sounds fair
New reality, nothing's there

It doesn't work
Komarov's dead
Patients, murder, oh utopia

Get a doctor, someone, quick
I can’t be pictured while he’s sick
And hush the fact about great health
And correlation with great wealth

It doesn't work
Tiwari's dead
Just a murder your utopia

The witch now dead and the golden goose
Its egg, its bed, its child is noosed
I’ve made a killing, selling utopia
Beautiful bodies, a cornucopia

It never works
You list the dead
Just one murder from utopia

Two men prevented world war three.
Neither combatant nor enemy,
Stanislav Petrov went to work
Drank his vodka, ironed his shirt.

Lieutenant Colonel got salutes,
red stars and shining boots.
He saw one blip, then four more
But Stanislav wasn’t sure.

"Those Yanks would send more than five
to ensure no comrades left alive.
In the age of M.A.D.,
It made total sense to me."

And so he waited, outward calm,
No radar proof but false alarm.
The sun was shining on the clouds,
Reflections that echoed loud

And interfered with satellites
Which by any other rights
Would have told him to ignore
Nature’s beauty. All-out war.

Petrov did take a reprimand,
Scolded but not really harmed.
Twenty years later, received a grand
and German media shook his hand.

Did the world really change?
Will Kim’s missiles hit their range?
On the path to war we hurry
But average white man doesn't worry.

For the president knows what's best,
Sitting at the Oval desk,
Briefcase ready, he's no fool,
Like Petrov he don't follow rules.

He knows the very best defence,
better than an unbuilt fence,
Bypassing questionable military schools,
America's best: Chicago Bulls.

Call the Rodman!
He will save us!
And so they sent him to Korea.
On the plane he thought "Which ear,

Shall I wear this piercing in?
Does it look a bit too bling?
And is my skirt a bit too thin?
I really want to hang with Kim."

He phoned Donald, got advice
On what kind of brogues to wear,
The shade of pants,
The colour of hair.

And it all went well
while he was there.
They watched some games,
Talked Bulls and Bears,

Not long-range missiles
Nor radiation scares.
But little did these men know,
They weren't the ones who ran the show.

There are those who disagree
on who prevented world war three
but this little secret told to me
by the man that no-one sees;

Classically trained in topiary,
The barber to all three,
salacious gossip extraordinary:
Hairdresser of the century.

Known to you for style and glitter
And his razor blade wit on Twitter.
Kim, Dennis and Donald's stylist, with sharpened scissors and tongue,
All power to his hairspray, he stopped the war before it begun.

I know you think the world is flat
That I should show respect for that
Opinion being individual
My point of view just as trivial.

I do indeed read mainstream media
The cavalcade of lies they feed ya
The starting point of your deception
You're unaware of your perception.

Einstein was indeed pretty bright
With you, the difference being slight
He's the brains and you're the might
We're all human ain't that right?

And all humans make mistakes
You hits the gas
He hit the brake
But you know Albert's profile's fake.

And you use your common sense
Light don't twist and light don't dent
Have you seen light that's bent?
The signals that the aliens sent?

I know you think the world is flat
The internet told you that
There's a secret cure for fat
that relies on this unusual fact

Medicine is not made to cure you
It's just a scam to assure you
Pay the rich and keep the poor
From knocking at their golden door

They only want to keep you ill
Sell you drugs, prescribe pills
Keep you working in the mills
While they seek their white male thrills

You don't follow those pursuits
The professionals in cahoots
Instead you simply seek the truth
As the chemtrails hit your roof

You sit inside safe and sound
Where you spend every pound
You've not yet earned
On bargains you cannot miss cause

You can tell the tit from tat
You can tell the shit from scat
You know real porn's the best
Leave the fake stuff to the rest

I know you think the world is flat
They know it too but hide the fact
To keep us all from finding out
Lest the people have some clout

Imagine what they could do
If the sheeple not like you
Looked for evidence of the fact
With or without the tin-foil hat

Buy a telescope and look
Read how it works in a book
Point it at the moon and sky
And find yourself that great big lie

Alternatively use your phone
And watch again conspiracy clips
Flat Earth or Bermuda ships
Jews with banks and big black dicks

It's all true, the earth is flat
But didn't you even wonder that
The very screen at which you look
The marvel from your pocket took

Is based on principles of science
QED and gauge invariance
Engineering maths and all
You weren't so good at those in school

But nevertheless they are true
And most fortunately for you
Because those very clever folk
Designed your phone and wrote

Papers that you'll never read
Based on more that sowed the seed
Of doubt within the church
So even they saw the earth

Makes elipses round the sun
They agreed it, not for fun
But because all can see
And no need to agree with me

But if you look, do the math
Like the makers of that app
The one you use all the time
The pleasure would be truly mine

If the world were really flat
And it ceased to function just like that
Maybe you'd be forced to see
The authors of conspiracy

I'd love to hear your final pledge
As you fall from the edge
And you righteously explain to me
The pitfalls of my fallacy

You were right, I'm so sorry
And you'll never convince me of my folly
But some things still don't make sense
Like how you paid for Trump with Pence.

You’re so far behind, you think you’re winning.
No turn of phrase is quite so thrilling,
As one that comes from your mouth.
You define north from south.
Your proclamations of the hour
Make the newest even nower.
You takes your phrase and makes it yours.
Never bound by trivial chores as
Building bricks and fixing floors.
You’re busy rearranging words,
Verbal consultant to ten herds
Of other people just like you,
Who lap it up, and they do.
When you say that they’re positioned
Flattered ‘til you’re sure they’ve listened.
The competition’s running flat,
Number one is where it’s at.
You’ve made them look just like you
But knowing there’s no room for two,
In this race you call your own,
A career that makes me want to moan.
For what you’ve done is drinks and coke,
So far gone you think you wrote
Even this cutting piece
That tells of how you always fleece
The ones you smile at in your club.
Shoulders touching when you rub
Your ego shining bright and dry
Every evening getting high.
Then, back home in your bed
You dream of everything you said.
And the price of every word
Just makes it all the more absurd.
Reality, every morning
Your life is very truly boring.
You’re overweight and off the pace
And really think you’ll win the race.
Breathe in, chest out, keep on grinning.
So far behind you think you’re winning.