Two men prevented world war three.
Neither combatant nor enemy,
Stanislav Petrov went to work
Drank his vodka, ironed his shirt.

Lieutenant Colonel got salutes,
red stars and shining boots.
He saw one blip, then four more
But Stanislav wasn’t sure.

"Those Yanks would send more than five
to ensure no comrades left alive.
In the age of M.A.D.,
It made total sense to me."

And so he waited, outward calm,
No radar proof but false alarm.
The sun was shining on the clouds,
Reflections that echoed loud

And interfered with satellites
Which by any other rights
Would have told him to ignore
Nature’s beauty. All-out war.

Petrov did take a reprimand,
Scolded but not really harmed.
Twenty years later, received a grand
and German media shook his hand.

Did the world really change?
Will Kim’s missiles hit their range?
On the path to war we hurry
But average white man doesn't worry.

For the president knows what's best,
Sitting at the Oval desk,
Briefcase ready, he's no fool,
Like Petrov he don't follow rules.

He knows the very best defence,
better than an unbuilt fence,
Bypassing questionable military schools,
America's best: Chicago Bulls.

Call the Rodman!
He will save us!
And so they sent him to Korea.
On the plane he thought "Which ear,

Shall I wear this piercing in?
Does it look a bit too bling?
And is my skirt a bit too thin?
I really want to hang with Kim."

He phoned Donald, got advice
On what kind of brogues to wear,
The shade of pants,
The colour of hair.

And it all went well
while he was there.
They watched some games,
Talked Bulls and Bears,

Not long-range missiles
Nor radiation scares.
But little did these men know,
They weren't the ones who ran the show.

There are those who disagree
on who prevented world war three
but this little secret told to me
by the man that no-one sees;

Classically trained in topiary,
The barber to all three,
salacious gossip extraordinary:
Hairdresser of the century.

Known to you for style and glitter
And his razor blade wit on Twitter.
Kim, Dennis and Donald's stylist, with sharpened scissors and tongue,
All power to his hairspray, he stopped the war before it begun.